i know this girl. and i don't know her very well but what i do know of her doesn't make me the least bit interested in learning more. in fact, she is quite simply obnoxious to be around. is that the word i'm looking for? what word would describe "every-time-i-am-in-your-presence-you-suck-my-joy-and-the-only-thing-i-am-thinking-about-is-the-fastest-most-painful-way-of-knocking-you-or-at-the-very-least,-myself,-out?".

[help me.]

the thing about it is she acts so fucking stupid. except i have reason to believe she isn't stupid which makes the whole thing even more unbearable. i mean, you can forgive ignorance but intellegent people constantly making unintellegent choices? she makes me want to hit her.

this would probably be why i don't choose to interact with her. this would probably be why the only time i do interact with her is when i am forced to do so. but i have to ask myself why her behavior bothers me so much.

and i think it has to do with my most recent and "failed" relationship. [i'm leaving the country in 17 hours and i'm still consumed with personal growth, woe is me.] see, i was getting pissed off with her because she wasn't choosing to see the obvious. she believes herself to be the ultimate victim. i never saw myself as a victim but i allowed to be victimized and to tell you the truth, i'm not seeing much of a difference between the two.

[why would you want to sleep with someone who is corpse-like?]

i dated, if you could call it that, someone who slept with other people. i put my faith into an unreliable source. i accepted dishonest and careless treatment in regards to my well-being. i mean, i wasn't saying "i am unworthy." in so many terms but my actions spoke for me and with an alarming breath. and it's not a pleasant feeling knowing that if i truly loved myself i would've walked at "hello."

so now i have to look at what i am doing that puts out an image like that into the universe. where people think they can treat me with disrespect and i'll stand idly by. i believe in the goodness of people and the hardest thing for me to accept has been that some people are not good. it's not that they couldn't be good, it's that they don't choose to be, for whatever reason. i find that to such a blatant disregard for what makes us human. the ability to want to better ourselves. and in blinding believing i strip myself of my power. if i still want my life to ultimately benefit others than i am seriously going to have to look at how to draw up some boundaries. i will help anyone that genuinely asks it of me but i will no longer do so at the risk of losing myself.

i think i have to accept that some people are never going to be as good as i want them to be. some people just don't want that for themselves. a concept i still hardly understand. some people enjoy the struggle. i enjoy the struggle but only when it's part of the process, not THE process. fawk. i think i need to accept that some people do not change. and if someday they want to change it should never be for anyone other than themselves, otherwise such change is false and temporary.

[back, back, back.]

the girl. when i bring her to mind, now, she doesn't bother me that much anymore. my reaction to her, my annoyance was only a sign of what i should be looking at in myself. and now that i am willing to accept what before i could not, any feeling i had towards her just sort of falls away.