[now, i live here too.]

why is it that relationships always work at their grandest when the people in them are paying attention mainly to themselves? and i think it's funny that i think you and i would work extremely well if i just got a little bit more of a life while leaving you to yours. maybe this could still work.

shit - i need new friends. or just more time with the old ones. i think i need to find those people that ground me. i need to take the past few months and process them and then decide where i need to go from there. janelle has impressed me i must say. she called a couple of weeks ago and left a message on my machine and thanked me for coming over and taking care of her the day after her surgery. this is something this typically selfish girl has never done before. i'm proud of her. if that's the feeling. she understands that she cares too little for others at times and she's willing to come to a better balance within herself. that's commendable at the very least. i am often suprised at her capacity for lovliness. she taught me love and i think i should be using her model of it a little more often. i am a better person for knowing her - i think that's my offer of the highest form of praise.

okay - before things go from not so good to bad to worse amber needs to stop focusing on others. i think we need to realize that she is a mutli-faceuted person. something that was becoming a little hazy when pushed into the background. we need to understand that she was happy some few months ago and the the only thing she can think has changed is her perspective. interestingly enough.

so here's the game plan - amber is going to get off her lazy fucking ass and do something. she is going to go and join a club of some sort. anything really so long as it offers the chance to meet some like-minded people. she will make great friends with her new co-workers and perhaps even invite some of her old ones out to do something. she will call her old neighbour mike and find out what activist type things are approaching in the near future. she will speak with his roomate kristine about anything artistic that is coming up. she will get invloved. instead of trying to motivate others she will start to actively seek out the things that contribute to her own happiness.

what a concept.