brian thinks i look like a different person sometimes. someone he doesn't like and so it bothers him. and it bothers me that it bothers him. but it always bothered me first.

i had a dream after he left this morning. i was back in junior high and i was getting ready for school. and i had a blond wig. no matter how hard i tried to style it - and god how i tried to style it - it ended up looking wrong. i went to school and tried to pretend i felt comfortable in it. instead i was sick. finally i took it off and was relieved to find myself intact.

i shaved my head for different reasons:

personally - i was struggling with vanity. and i don't like the feeling of trying to make my appearance more attractive when internally i'm wilting from the lack of attention. the lack of the proper perception.

socially - it felt a little unacceptable. and what have the masses ever done for me except make me feel like i never belonged? it was a "fuck you." to everyone i tried to change for. it was "fuck you." to everyone that made me think i was lacking beauty.

spiritually - it was a release. it was a self-inflicted form of liberation. it was a conscious choice. and it was spontaneously made by myself, for myself.

i am not perfect. i am not perfect because i have not discovered my perfection. i have not decided that i am worthy of it or have not accepted it in it's unaltered form. but isn't this the search for self? and i think more than anything i want to know who i am. and i think that's hard for the people around me who don't even want to achieve the level of self-realization that i do.

i put a deep meaning into everything. i strive to attain the highest possible frequency of anything. and it stretches within me and i can only expand so far so sometimes it's a blister of discomfort and oftentimes it causes a large amount of distortion with those things that could be viewed as being entirely meaningless. but what else is there? we are all on on different paths to the same end. self-actualized bliss.

fuck - all i want is to create my own little slice of originality. i don't want to live my life like a sheep. and i don't want to live my life among other sheep.

i don't want to wear a wig.