i lived on the theory that feeling things was just an indication of a situation in which a person had no control. i saw them as silly - and i privately scorned every love-stuck girl. the last year i have been coming to terms with the fact that before now i was a fucking anal retentive bitch. damn. that feels good to say. especially when using the past tense.

it wasn't that i never felt anything. it was just that i never showed that i felt anything. and that's almost worse than not feeling anything at all. it's your mind trying to force your body into believing that such emotions are not justifiable. i think the biggest error in judgement i made was in thinking that my feelings could be ruled by logic.

i act very foolish around my mother. half the time i'm in her company i'm acting like i'm six years old. i wonder if i should take a closer look at that. i think maybe i'm just living out parts of my childhood that i didn't have a chance to experience when i was younger. parts that i didn't feel safe feeling when i was young. i think i felt the need to act very emotionally strong when i was a kid and there were times i broke under that strain. i was a bully. the funny thing is i never actually physically hurt anyone. which i think is what a lot of people associate bullies with being. no - i attacked more on the emotional front. and some people broke from the smallest degree of pushing - and i as a child inflicting the damage - feeling such control over another human being - i was supposed to dechiper emotions as being 'safe' and 'stable'?

my parent's never really cried. actually i can remember my father crying more times than my mother. i find that strange. my mother has a hard time showing me affection through physical contact. i think a part of me is very undernourished in relation to that. i'm busy nuturing others in hopes that they will do the same for me. i think whatever i am giving to people is in essence what i want in return. i'm also thinking of karma, and 'what goes around comes around', and how if that is really how the universe works how thankful i am that all i want to give out to people is love.

my mom wrote something for my brother. it was a collection of small stories and such about signifigant things that have happened over his life. she gave it to him the other day and my dad directed me to the table where it was so i could read it. i looked at it and felt an incredible sadness wash over me as i realized i don't know my mother at all. that i don't appreciate her nearly as much as she deserves to be appreciated. i think the letter was written from an extremely emotional place and it was meant to intice emotions when read and i think that just really surprised me.

i think she just really surprised me.