i'm not very in-tune with my feelings. generally i either try to ignore them or push them out of the way. while always saying to myself "you can stay there for the time being and i'll come back for you later.

but i never do.

which makes me sort of wonder where they're all going. how big is the box that these emotions are all being packed away in? how tossed around and crumpled do they have to be before they all gang up and kick my emotional ass down?

i'm thinking back to when i was a child. i find i'm still holding onto things that an innocent mind found intoxicating and real. i'm grasping onto concepts that are almost as old as my lifetime. i have an insurmountable fear of being abandoned. i'm afraid the people in my life will leave me like my father left me. i'm scared to be anything but what others want me to be. i'm still trying to make my daddy proud.

i feel. but i don't acknowledge what i'm feeling. they pass in fluent waves. i either feel joy or i feel sick with pain or i feel nothing at all. there is no in-between. i want somebody to make it better. because i'm too tired to want to do it myself.

i am so good at lying to myself. it's a funny little game me and my mind play with each other. where we both know the rules and the consequences but we still take our turn respectively. i am terrified of emotions. they seem so based on change. they flucuate and retract without warning. i don't want to touch people. because what happens if i start to like it?

i'm very careful with observation. i do not act until i know the in's and out's of a situation. and i will not act on something that is not constant. i will not knowingly place myself into a corner. i speak eloquently only because it leaves more room for misinterpretation and therefore escape.

i try so hard to be perfect that with every second-guess i push perfection even further out of my reach. i'm coming to think that perfection is what you get when there is no time dely between a person's thoughts and a person's deeds. when they both occur rather simotaneously [sp?].

it's humid out today. i met my mother for lunch and she says she likes when the weather is like this. i don't see the attraction. to me : it feels like another layer of skin. another scrap to cover over what i'm already trying to tear down.

i've always been about making other people feel good. i'm always the one that's there to listen. i'm the one people call at four in the morning because their boyfriends are mistreating them. i'm the one that won't make a choice on something i really want to do because there's a chance somebody close to me might get hurt. i'm the one that holds instead of being held.

i guess i'm wondering : when is it going to be my turn?