i woke up irritable this morning. i had closed the windows to repel the sound of traffic and consequently my apartment was stuffy and warm. i felt unsure. just as a general emotion. i went into the bathroom and asked god to teach me humility.

i showered, and dressed. looked for my shoes but with half-hearted interest and then went without. i like the realism of bare feet on concrete. the connection with the present moment where i must search out the path of least resistance. i am trying to move this theory to a higher level of living.

i stood on the low level bridge and remembered a little more of who i am. the woman i have been neglecting. and found that i have been distracted from my true path with things that are outdated and worn. something invaluable in the past completely spent itself today. and soon through it's absence will my clarity become awe-inspiring and great.

next up: i found a incredible feather. perfect in it's shape and coloring. black until turned where it then switches into blue with swirls of purple and green forming this mosaic of shimmering color. and as soon as i saw it i knew [as certain things are known.] it was given as an affirmation to what i had been thinking in the moments before. i forgot how perfectly the universe works when you let it.

[i ceased speaking with god. and was found lost. i ceased loving myself. and was found denied. i ceased giving myself affirmations of love and beauty. and was found unappreciated. i ceased making myself happy. and was found to be lacking.]

i need to start focusing on myself. i lost the principals and benefits of that regimen. i haven’t been having much fun lately and i’ve realized that i don’t need to suffer myself like this. i can’t expect other people to have fun if i’m not having fun myself. and i have every right to be happy. i have every right to surround myself with happy people and discard of those who aren’t. because what good am i to others if i’m not even good enough for myself? i’m going to start doing things with myself. i think i may take a yoga class. perhaps i’ll start swimming again. i’m looking forward to working tomorrow.

i miss my puppies. i haven't allowed myself to grieve their death. they were a large contribution to my daily joy. sometimes i wonder if people could take such lessons from animals and maybe be all the better for it. i remember feeling good when i came home and they were excited to see me. i remember how perfectly they fit into the crook of my arm. i remember them sleeping on my pillow and while looking at their faces my love for them almost consumed me. i at last recognize the gift.

i finished the last of my hash yesterday night. the desire to continue using drugs is falling away like dry, peeled skin. i don't need them. and finally what i don't need i don't want. i've come to understand those people who have never been into using because they were already high enough on life. drugs are a tool and a hindrance where both work on much of the same level. i think i need to learn to accept myself as i am without the use of substances to make that acceptance truthful.

i am learning. i had the chance to slip into depression today. and once i slide i have the tendency to keep falling. but i didn't. i dug my heals into the wet dirt and said 'fuck you, i won't go." and i didn't. i feel better today.

[i am proud of myself.]