let's talk about you.

but really i mean let's talk about you while knowing that everything i project outwardly onto you is really about me.

i rode my bike for a long time last night. lately the only time i feel good is when i occupy my body with doing something long enough that i can forget that i'm actually moving. ecstasy found in propelling yourself forward while feeling nothing but still.

i want to get rid of you. because i don't feel good anymore. because i'm not quite sure i want to face the enormity of inner work that is required for me to feel better. because i understand that all this shit is about me and i'm not sure if i'm ready to take responsibility for how i'm feeling. i think i'd rather still blame you for awhile.

[heart to heart
is what the body remembers

so i'll breathe in your body
to heal all my wounds.]

despite popular belief i do understand the process:

1) i tell you i don't want to see you anymore.
2) you fuck off.
3) i cry or feel like shit for a couple of days.
4) i miss you.
5) i think about calling you.
6) i think i want you back.
7) i pick up the phone. maybe i even start to dial.
8) i put it back down. repeat.
9) i don't fight against my lack of humility.
10) i deny that my pride is my downfall.
11) the illusion that i am healing is as false as the illusion that i was even broken.
12) i heal. i find somebody else. somebody else finds me.
13) it feels like it used to feel with you.
14) and i think it's all better. maybe i even remember perfection.
15) but the same insecurities come back.
16) i take the majority of it and tuck it away.
17) to allow resentment, anger, and fear to build up.
18) to tell you i don't want to see you anymore.
19) to have you fuck off.
20) so when i cry or feel like shit for a couple of days:

[i miss you.]

i'm thinking instead of going through this again. all over again. again and again. until i make myself sick with repetition. i should just recognize that i don't need to focus on you. i should recognize that i shouldn't but i'm fighting with myself. and you don't fight at all. and if they support the same broken end, how is one at all unlike the other?