i am glad i know felix. i think we're emotionally similar and it's nice to have a friend who understands naivety and the joy that comes through being hurt. sadistic? i don't think so.

because it's not really a joy for the hurt itself. it's more of a joy for the process as a whole. given time life starts to make itself known as a series of events and not just as singular moments and it's much easier to take the 'good' and the 'bad' and put it all into perspective. yes. sometimes i hurt. and sometimes i even hurt very badly. but does that mean it will be forever? change is constant. such is the nature of the universe. such is the nature of life. and something cannot be what it is not.

[and this is where illusions come in. ]

we have become so talented at fooling ourselves. we tell ourselves little falsehoods that allow us to continue being who we are. which is not wrong so long as we see them for what they are. we forget that our spirits are made of nothing but love and acceptance and free-giving. we are so foolish to believe that our spirits could be made broken through our fragile ego's. if you live through your basest self than you will never experience the greatness that comes when one lives through the soul.

[ego's are easily wounded. humility is the true test of character. i believe whole-heartedly in this.]

and i believe that life is creation. and that creation is formed through appreciation. and appreciation is love. so life is love. and i believe that you can tell whether a person truly understands the nature of life [and therefore of love] by their level of appreciation for it. i believe that this is the first indicator.

the human race does a very good job at being distant. so many of us believe we are alone. i do not believe we are alone so much as we are just lonely. we suffer ourselves to separation. we fear.

[you may fear yourself and then cannot understand why when you show me little hateful pieces i am not afraid. which ironically enough makes you all the more fearful. you do not see your own beauty. you fail to recognize your own perfection.]

we loathe ourselves and therefore cannot understand that someone might love us when we focus so greatly on our personal failings. i do not suffer myself to focus on what i lack. because i understand that i do not really lack at all. whether i choose to see it as such in certain circumstance still remains a constant choice.

[the surest way to find out if something is true - for yourself - is to look within and see whether it hurts or not. pain indicates a belief within ourselves that does not match a belief shown to us through the outside world. it is a distortion. and we have made such an error in assuming pain is real. pain is like time and space. it is little more than a theory.]

i love everyone. sometimes i can get a little side-swiped and imagine that i do not love them. i can even imagine that they in some way do not love me. or even capable of such. through lack of a higher perception i trick myself into believing such falsehoods. and when i stumble upon a lie i have fed to myself and go within to examine it more thoroughly i am often surprised as to how fully it restricts my ability for joy.

as for loving people: i'm a little quicker in arriving at that understanding with some. because some make loving easy by first loving themselves. they know what makes them lovable because they have discovered it within and so these people do not need to wait for you to find such characteristic and instead are so bright and incredible that often their entire being entices and reflects. and then there are the ones that make you justify such feelings. they are the ones that do not love themselves and are by that reasoning suspicious of any loving-kindness that is shown to them.

and these are the people i love the most.