i can't help being excited. and i really wouldn't want to try not to be. and yet somehow i feel like it should be justified.

i needed $525 and i got $600. yes, i realize this is not really my money. yes, i realize i will eventually have to pay it back. yes, i realize eventually does not mean forever.

and now i can have possesion of the [my] apartment whenever i choose. it stands vacant at the moment. i've already begun to put my belongings into the picture of it i have in my mind. saying things like "my bed will go here." "my table will go over there." i'm having fun. and lately that's all i'm having.

so i've spent the night re-packing a bunch of shit. mainly after deciding i need to be a little more organized. i should have made brian do it. [grin.]he's good at being organized. his boxes made straight pretty lines against the wall. mine are scattered and jagged and thrown across the floor. he owns a calender that he actually writes stuff in. i own a calender that i think is still opened up on march. oops.

today i felt powerful. i felt extremely connected with the source - the source that we are all connected into - and today, for the first time that i can remember, i drew from it. like a divine electric current that i can tap into at will. today i understood that god has never been a face for me. he has never been a name or a religion. sometimes god isn't even faith. but i think he will always represent those times when i gave to myself.

[god helps those who help themselves.]

and i'm a good person. do you know how long i've had to say that before it glimmered with even a sliver of truth? i deserve my joy. do you know that i have long suffered and sacrificed and slaved for this happiness?

i have paid my dues. this is owed to me.