thank god that i don't always know what to say. and thank god that i don't always know what to do. and thank god that i'm not always sure that i will have the capacity to forgive you. and thank god that how i am for you sometimes feels like a major misjudgement. and thank god that i'm not always in the loop. and thank god you make me painfully aware of it. and thank god that sometimes you reject me. and thank god that inside i'm not always working. and thank god that inside i'm not always working in relation to you. and thank god that sometimes you hurt and disapoint me. and thank god that i am feeling. and thank god that i am a walking contradiction. and thank god that i am beautiful. and thank god that i don't always see it. and thank god that sometimes i feel stupid. and thank god that i feel insignificant and unworthy. and thank god that i feel it deprives me of your love and affection. and thank god i feel good. and thank god i don't always feel good. and thank god i sometimes feel like i am better than you. and thank god that i am often misunderstood. and thank god it's mainly by myself. and thank god that i am restless. and thank god that i sometimes feel held back back back by you. and thank god that i put limitations on myself through your image and then blame you for them. and thank god that my ego is first fondled than gagged until i am slack from the sudden fluctations of your attention. and thank god that i don't always live my highest truth. and thank god that i don't always see the beauty of it. and thank god that i would sometimes like to see you cry. and thank god that i would like to be the one who does it to you. and thank god i don't always accept who you are. and thank god that i would like you to be a certain way when you are not. and thank god i don't always come in whether or not the water is just fine. and thank god that i often repeat myself. and thank god that i am frustrated and spent and unloved and unloving and broken and breaking and misused and misunderstanding and stale and stagnant and ugly and attached.

thank god that there are things that leave me trying.