[i think it's very important to live up to the person you are without constantly wishing to be like the people you are not.]

i work with a wonderful girl named wendy. she's not really a girl since she's 21 but she exudes a certain youthfulness. she smiles a lot and is soft-spoken and pretty. she has incredible green eyes and they relay an underlining intelligence through their alertness. i feel extremely motherly towards her as she is new to the city and i remember the feeling of loneliness when i moved to canmore without really knowing anyone. she walked me home today on her way to whyte ave to catch the bus. we talked about school and friends and family. i'm going to ask her to a movie i think.

shelly is getting married. i love shelly and she loves colin and he loves her. i went one day with her to try on wedding dresses. he ended up buying her one over ebay instead. at least i think it was ebay. i like watching them together. they pet each other with words and looks from across the room. their affection often remains unspoken in my presence but i see the energy that flows between them. this is what i remember her always wanting. i am invited to the wedding and i'm allowed to bring a date. i will get to dance with her and i will cry from the sense of overwhelming happiness and completion of this phase in her life. funny how i feel like i wasn't paying attention - when did we all grow up?

i don't see janelle very often. she is very self-centered in her life and i'm so glad. i understand this selfishness is what will help her achieve her highest imagining's. i understand this and so i give her her space without the accompaniment of resentment. she has grown into such an extraordinary individual. i wasn't quite sure she would make it but now my doubts lye like shadows and are slowly being resolved – like dark and dampened pavement drying up in the sun. my love for her will never be defined - it cannot be - because to define it would place boundaries that do not exist.

i met farley in high school. we were in mrs. shewchuck's drama class in grade ten. period 3 - right before lunch. i think we performed a few improv scenes together and recognizing our respective talent we began to nurture each other. i sent him a shitload of notes. he wrote poetry and i remember one day in class he expressed his envy at me being able to spew them out like colored glass. "but dear, they were never any good." i look back at them now and think of them as just a whole lot of quantity - as compared to any sort of quality. it was i who was envious. and i let it push me. i let it better me. and a large degree of who i am is in thanks to him. i love him because he mirrored the things i loved about myself.

i was thinking today about my most memorable moment. i was thinking today about how it set in motion everything that i have come to believe in.

i was walking out from school to catch my bus. skipping my last class as usual so i wouldn't have to deal with the masses. philosophy was aggravating anyway. a bunch of people yelling their views at each other without the enough respect to listen in turn and therefore - learning nothing. - achieving nothing. - gaining nothing. i remember it was too warm out and i was feeling stifled and annoyed. i went to cross the street and saw a man leaning against a building. he did not seem well and i had the desire to help him but hesitated which allowed me to ignore it. i looked back once more before i stepped out into the street and saw that now he had fallen to the ground. this time - without thinking i went towards him and helped him up. i asked if he was alright and he said 'yes, thankyou' and i dug around in my pockets and gave him the rest of my change. which wasn't all that much - about $2 or something. i wish i had had more. as i stood there a person i knew from passing by in the halls at school looked at me as though i was doing something wrong for helping this man to his feet. i held his hand - a little longer than what could be called 'shaking' and looked into his eyes. he said 'god bless you' and we went our separate ways.

i cried all the way home.

this man has been my greatest friend. a man who’s name i have never known and who’s face i would find impossible to remember. i often think about how strange and how exhilarating and how good that moment felt. i gave that man $2, my hand to hold for 10 seconds, and my attention for less than a minute. and he gave me a gift that is unparallel to any other. in an instant and without knowing the slightest amount of information about me a drunken homeless man showed me "who i am."

[“god bless [me]?” yes. how could i have ever been in doubt?]