[peek] [mike] [whatever]

i must admit i feel a little out of sorts about you in relation to how my world is clicking. obviously it's nothing personal. i feel as though i could share an intellectual connection and i'm not sure i would be comfortable pursuing it. we would make great friends. you’re quite insightful – i respect that. i feel it’s only fair to mention i have responsibilities elsewhere. yes, self-inflicted but therefore more liable to cause me dis-ease if i choose to ignore them . it's funny how a person can want something so wretchedly, want it for such a lengthy amount of time and then precisely when the wanting begins to wear itself thin that something manifests itself into life. i have confused my desires.

i love a boy, dearly. i was once in love with him but painfully and surely unstuck myself from that damaging illusion. i hope i never fall in love with him again. i hope he never falls in love with me. i think falling in love is the quickest, surest way of making yourself blind to the possibilities. you choose not to see the person in their entirety. you fail to accept them for who they are and therefore remain blind to certain aspects of their personality that are, otherwise, readily apparent. so that later, when the feeling of infatuation falls away, a lover is left with resentment towards a companion once supposedly loved. some people choose to become even more blinded and fail to realize the failure of the relationship was due to their own foolish ignorance of believing that their partner is but a simple, one-dimensional being that only exists as they - the boyfriend/girlfriend - see them. losing to the illusion of love is the quickest way to imagining yourself breakable. i understand that i love him in the truest sense of the word because i would rather execute him from my life than have him imagining himself broken.

[sidenote: i won't argue with the belief that being in love can be useful in it's own time and space. it’s just a daydream that i personally have no use for.]

i no longer care to ask people ‘do you believe in god?’ it’s evolved (?) into ‘do you trust in god?’ i think i believe in god because i have come to understand that i have always had things i could honestly be thankful for. i have not yet come to an understanding as to whether or not i trust in god. knocking down idea’s thought to be blasphemous – both in my own heart and in the heart of society – is the most incredibly overwhelming spiritual growth i have ever had the opportunity of achieving. i am drained of every iota of the energy meant in keeping the framework of falsehoods about ‘who I am’ in their respectable places, only to find that the draining feels a whole hell of a lot like a cleansing instead. a purified distillation that prances about the words that stare out the phrase : i am clean. i am forgiven. i am clean-forgiven.

i think the truth of the situation is that i would rather have ignored you. maybe i rather hoped i could placate you with a few half-assed answers – empty words that so easily persuade the vast majority of under-thinkers. you are not easily persuaded. i am so very glad.

you have my attention.

[amber]